An RP blog for Doctor Kenzo Tenma from Naoki Urasawa's Monster. Potentially NSFW!

Note: 99% sure this blog has lots of homo BL stuff. If that's not your thing you may want to turn 360° and sprint moonwalk away. this is an incredibly serious blog

 

Münster (Tenma!)

wolfgang-grimmer:

doktortenma:

//As he listens, Tenma’s hand continues to stroke down the other man’s back, his movements softening with the tension he sees.

//It’s true; he did have a habit of running off all of a sudden and the thought had crossed his mind since they last met. He did his best to busy himself this whole time but unavoidably, in the times he did have to himself, his thoughts fell to his companion. Many times he thought, if he could see him, perhaps he could better understand what he felt — if it was a kind of confusion or something more straightforward. Of course, he knew the answer now and he’d put the other man’s worries to rest.

//Embraced more closely, he quietly presses his lips against his damp hair, a sort of melancholy licking the pit of his stomach like a flame. A reason why he hadn’t gone down to meet the other man in the interim was a real concern that he had overdone it with the last visit and that surprising him with another one seemed it might do more harm than good.

//However, the actual reason for their lack of communication was an expression of grief and anxiety. He musn’t forget that much of what he sees when he meets the other man face to face comes from a conscious, invisible effort. ‘Learning to smile was the hardest to learn’, he recalls. A phrase he could never forget.

//Grimmer pulls back just a bit.// …I’ll admit, //He starts,// In the beginning, I wasn’t sure what I felt exactly. It happened all at once and we parted so abruptly… But as time went on, I felt more certain. I suppose it was difficult to interpret because we were already close, but… //His eyes fix onto Grimmer’s.//

I also felt different when we met. My thoughts of you seemed to want to come out all at once. I tried my best to act like I always had because I didn’t want to ‘scare’ you away. I thought maybe you wanted it to be like before… //Tenma glances down for a moment before looking back up.//

—Anyway, I don’t plan on leaving anytime soon. //He curls his fingers around Grimmer’s hand.// And, I don’t want to go back to before either. //His thumb smooths against his knuckles.// Maybe I’m a little scared I’ll mess this up, but I also get the feeling we’ll be okay.

You’ll stay here too, right? I don’t want you to run off like you did before. That’s the last thing I want. //Gently and deliberately, his toes brush across his ankle. His eyes are fixed onto Grimmer’s.//

//He had run off before. He always did that. Grimmer’s concern over Tenma leaving probably stemmed from what he himself was guilty of, in all of his brief acquaintance or relationships. While he is aware it’s not complete transference, that the other man often behaved similarly, he doubts the motive is the same as it is in himself. 

//He gathered Tenma has seen much death of those he was attached to. Naturally, one then has great difficulty overcoming the fear that it can, and probably will, happen again. It had not often been similar for himself. There was no attachment in the same sense. He could not form bonds with others unless he forced it, he wanted it. That had been a revelation too, through the death of his child, many years ago, when he had wished that such an effort had been made on his part. Of course, he had tried, but it wasn’t right, it wasn’t because he wanted to. It was what you were supposed to do.

//There is no way to answer this question with certainty. Even immediately after the intimacies shared, there was an urgent sense of needing to disappear, quickly. Drawing Tenma closer to him physically had nullified that; in the literal sense, gave him something to hold on to, so he might overcome the awful separation which inevitably occurred, every time. To not fall into the grey, numbing Disassociation must be consciously done.

//Nodding wordlessly, his eyes break away from Tenma’s, curling into Tenma’s arms and lying against his chest, the space between their bodies closed again.//

//In response to Grimmer’s silent answer, he kisses the top of his head and continually draws his hand back and forth across his back. His alertness is slipping away, replaced by an exhaustion he hadn’t felt in a long time. Indeed, it was due in part to their physical activity following a long day, but, really, it made all the difference in the world to fall asleep next to a man he trusts.//

I love you, Mr. Grimmer… Next time let’s meet up real soon. Maybe we can have a picnic and you can teach me how to fish. //Tenma closes his eyes.//

You were really beautiful tonight… I’m really glad…. Very glad you love me…. //He yawns.// Glad it turned out… like this…

//His fingers curl along the hem of the other man’s shirt.// if you decide to leave early, let me know when you arrive home safely…

//Tenderly, he plants another kiss on his damp head of hair.// Text… Call… Carrier pigeon… //He smiles.// Anything… Otherwise, I might have to come over…

Münster (Tenma!)

wolfgang-grimmer:

doktortenma:

//Tenma nods, very much in agreement with what the other man has to say. Their friendship wasn’t changing into something new — it was growing, expanding.// In a lot of ways things are very much the same, //he adds,// we just have a bigger “vocabulary”, so to speak. //He smiles, his hand gently rubbing his back.// I can say ‘I want to be close’ or ‘I care about you’ in many more ways.

I agree too on hesitation. //He thinks for a moment.// But what exactly are you referring to? The last time we met? Or something else?

Ah, well, //Grimmer smiles awkwardly,// I hadn’t really thought of that, but I suppose you’re right. You know, the last time we were together, I was certain you’d go away and I’d not hear from you again, not for a while, at least, and then it would be as if it had never happened. 

Or, you’d tell me it was a mistake. //He briefly chews his lower lip, and then,// 

And you know how it goes. After that, I didn’t answer many of your calls. We didn’t communicate too much at all. It hurt very much, being alone, after we were together. Normally I can deal with that. But, // a small sigh,// this time it grew unbearable. So then we set up for today…at lunch, I really thought you were going to tell me, “I’m leaving the country again”, or something like that. 

//His arm wraps around Tenma’s waist more tightly, hiding his face in the niche between his companion’s neck and shoulder. Eventually he continues,//

When I saw you, I felt very warm and strange, the same feeling as before, yet stronger— so difficult, not to touch or kiss you straight away. Very strange, indeed.

A relief— I was relieved to see you. //He pulls away a bit, to look at Tenma.//

//As he listens, Tenma’s hand continues to stroke down the other man’s back, his movements softening with the tension he sees.

//It’s true; he did have a habit of running off all of a sudden and the thought had crossed his mind since they last met. He did his best to busy himself this whole time but unavoidably, in the times he did have to himself, his thoughts fell to his companion. Many times he thought, if he could see him, perhaps he could better understand what he felt — if it was a kind of confusion or something more straightforward. Of course, he knew the answer now and he’d put the other man’s worries to rest.

//Embraced more closely, he quietly presses his lips against his damp hair, a sort of melancholy licking the pit of his stomach like a flame. A reason why he hadn’t gone down to meet the other man in the interim was a real concern that he had overdone it with the last visit and that surprising him with another one seemed it might do more harm than good.

//However, the actual reason for their lack of communication was an expression of grief and anxiety. He musn’t forget that much of what he sees when he meets the other man face to face comes from a conscious, invisible effort. ‘Learning to smile was the hardest to learn’, he recalls. A phrase he could never forget.

//Grimmer pulls back just a bit.// …I’ll admit, //He starts,// In the beginning, I wasn’t sure what I felt exactly. It happened all at once and we parted so abruptly… But as time went on, I felt more certain. I suppose it was difficult to interpret because we were already close, but… //His eyes fix onto Grimmer’s.//

I also felt different when we met. My thoughts of you seemed to want to come out all at once. I tried my best to act like I always had because I didn’t want to ‘scare’ you away. I thought maybe you wanted it to be like before… //Tenma glances down for a moment before looking back up.//

—Anyway, I don’t plan on leaving anytime soon. //He curls his fingers around Grimmer’s hand.// And, I don’t want to go back to before either. //His thumb smooths against his knuckles.// Maybe I’m a little scared I’ll mess this up, but I also get the feeling we’ll be okay.

You’ll stay here too, right? I don’t want you to run off like you did before. That’s the last thing I want. //Gently and deliberately, his toes brush across his ankle. His eyes are fixed onto Grimmer’s.//

Münster (Tenma!)

wolfgang-grimmer:

doktortenma:

//Tenma smiles too. His fingers curl tightly along Grimmer’s knuckles.// All right… //Gently, he meets his lips for another kiss — short, direct, almost a peck; he administers more of these along the shape of his jaw and the edge of his mouth. His arm drapes over the other man’s expansive back and makes soothing motions there.//

//Pulling back, he studies his companion’s face, warmly lit by the bedside lamp. First, he’s drawn to the darkness under his eyes, then the wrinkles which radiate from the corners; his nose, as well, its textured surface and contours glossy from his sweat; and, of course, his smile — a real smile — straining against his cheeks. How many times had he smiled like that tonight?//

When we met earlier today… //Having noticed that the other man seemed to like it, his fingers weave through his hair some more.// I wondered if you were still interested in me. —I know you said so last time but you know things go. Circumstances change. Feelings are reexamined. —I did that a lot myself and it made me realize what the other night meant to me and how important you are. Perhaps… //His hand pauses.// Perhaps it’s a bit hasty to want to start something new when we’ve only just been reunited, but why hold back? Right?

For me, I think, reasoning like that…//Grimmer pauses, looking at his companion in earnest,//

It isn’t hasty. After all, we aren’t setting a date or anything like that. It’s…my trust in you, it’s expanded so this sort of intimacy is a possibility. It’s not necessitous to life, but it’s nice,//he lightly touches Tenma’s arm,// and I want to experience it with you, just you. The person I can depend on, my real and actual friend. Friendship is…I think, it consists of love. If there is no love, you can’t really have it? It’s an active thing. 

So, if you wish it to, it can grow or branch out. Maybe that is what we’re doing; we’re growing in a direction. It’s becoming. //Meanwhile, he tries to imitate his thoughts by motioning with his hands.//

A-anyway, if I am to continue hesitating on all such matters, very likely I will never experience them. //A small smile.// That almost happened, for me. 

//Tenma nods, very much in agreement with what the other man has to say. Their friendship wasn’t changing into something new — it was growing, expanding.// In a lot of ways things are very much the same, //he adds,// we just have a bigger “vocabulary”, so to speak. //He smiles, his hand gently rubbing his back.// I can say ‘I want to be close’ or ‘I care about you’ in many more ways.

I agree too on hesitation. //He thinks for a moment.// But what exactly are you referring to? The last time we met? Or something else?

Münster (Tenma!)

wolfgang-grimmer:

doktortenma:

//Parting his lips against Grimmer’s thumb he hadn’t expected to hear that. He had thought they would take it very slowly. Despite their interactions, he wasn’t sure how the other man felt, considering the sparse contact and no mention at all on what happened between them these past few months

//Smiling small, he moves closer, his nose centimeters away from his; his hand falls onto Grimmer’s shoulder and gives a squeeze.// Before everything, when I was chief of surgery at the hospital, another doctor tried to fix me up on these dates because, “The famous Dr. Tenma of Eisler Memorial Hospital — single, at your age? Ridiculous! If I was in your shoes, I’d have several mistresses by now.”

//Tenma touches his forehead against his.// If only he knew…. //His expression melts into something more tender. Gently, deliberately, he closes his lips over Grimmer’s, aching from all of their kissing.// Be with me?

//His cheeks tinge with red.// Be my… boyfriend? —Next time we meet maybe… maybe we could have a romantic lunch… or something like that. //He laughs nervously, in disbelief of the words coming out of his mouth. When it came to things like this, he had never been this straightforward, but he wanted to make it very clear and banish any uncertainties.//

//The kiss is soft enough, gentle enough, that for one reason or another, Grimmer feels his eyes begin to smart, and he blinks hard. He slowly allows for his lips to part, just barely tasting the other man, before it is ended.

//Smiling hard at what Tenma has to say, the muscles in his face grow painful. Quickly, his hand finds his companion’s smaller one and squeezes in affirmation.//

Yeah, let’s do that. //The residual flush on his cheeks broadens.// 

Hey, Doktor. //Drawing a bit closer, they actually do bump noses, for which Grimmer makes a sort of muffled apology.// 

Please, kiss me again. Two or three more, maybe. 

//Tenma smiles too. His fingers curl tightly along Grimmer’s knuckles.// All right… //Gently, he meets his lips for another kiss — short, direct, almost a peck; he administers more of these along the shape of his jaw and the edge of his mouth. His arm drapes over the other man’s expansive back and makes soothing motions there.//

//Pulling back, he studies his companion’s face, warmly lit by the bedside lamp. First, he’s drawn to the darkness under his eyes, then the wrinkles which radiate from the corners; his nose, as well, its textured surface and contours glossy from his sweat; and, of course, his smile — a real smile — straining against his cheeks. How many times had he smiled like that tonight?//

When we met earlier today… //Having noticed that the other man seemed to like it, his fingers weave through his hair some more.// I wondered if you were still interested in me. —I know you said so last time but you know things go. Circumstances change. Feelings are reexamined. —I did that a lot myself and it made me realize what the other night meant to me and how important you are. Perhaps… //His hand pauses.// Perhaps it’s a bit hasty to want to start something new when we’ve only just been reunited, but why hold back? Right?

Münster (Tenma!)

wolfgang-grimmer:

doktortenma:

//Reacting to the other man’s admission, he knits his brows in concern and combs his fingers through his silvery hair. Wondering if he seemed callous, he frowns.

No… No, Grimmer… —Of course it’s changed for me too but what I meant was… //He pauses, thinking on his words.// Sharing a drink or sharing a bed —it doesn’t feel strange at all. //Cushioning his cheek against the pillow, he maintains eye contact.// I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t feel afraid or apprehensive even though I’ve… crossed this supposed line by sleeping with you.

//He smiles shyly.// …I want to do this again soon but I still want to go on that picnic we’ve always talked about too. Fishing, wine and cheese — all of that. In that sense it hasn’t changed.

//Watching Grimmer closely, he notices his words do little to relieve his tension.// —Or did you mean something else?

"That’s true," Grimmer says, closing his eyes briefly in reaction to the soothing sweep of Tenma’s fingers through his hair. "I have never felt ill at ease with you in those situations. It came as naturally as if we were long-time friends.

"But you see," he continues, letting go of Tenma’s hand, so he might similarly pet carefully along his lover’s hair, and roll his thumb over his cheek, " For a person who does not have ‘long-time’ friends, this is a little different." He stops here, looking intently into Tenma’s eyes. A weak smile eventually resurfaces.

"I don’t think I can go back to how we were before.. is what I meant. If that’s all right with you." His voice quivers, his thumb now pressing softly along Tenma’s lip. It is clear he is having trouble expressing himself, knowing how to put his emotions into words, from the frustration apparent in his expression.

//Parting his lips against Grimmer’s thumb he hadn’t expected to hear that. He had thought they would take it very slowly. Despite their interactions, he wasn’t sure how the other man felt, considering the sparse contact and no mention at all on what happened between them these past few months

//Smiling small, he moves closer, his nose centimeters away from his; his hand falls onto Grimmer’s shoulder and gives a squeeze.// Before everything, when I was chief of surgery at the hospital, another doctor tried to fix me up on these dates because, “The famous Dr. Tenma of Eisler Memorial Hospital — single, at your age? Ridiculous! If I was in your shoes, I’d have several mistresses by now.”

//Tenma touches his forehead against his.// If only he knew…. //His expression melts into something more tender. Gently, deliberately, he closes his lips over Grimmer’s, aching from all of their kissing.// Be with me?

//His cheeks tinge with red.// Be my… boyfriend? —Next time we meet maybe… maybe we could have a romantic lunch… or something like that. //He laughs nervously, in disbelief of the words coming out of his mouth. When it came to things like this, he had never been this straightforward, but he wanted to make it very clear and banish any uncertainties.//

Münster (Tenma!)

wolfgang-grimmer:

doktortenma:

//Falling into the embrace, he drapes an arm over Grimmer’s back and hooks his fingers into the damp fabric there. Nestled against his shoulder, he briefly closes his eyes, and focuses on his heartbeat and his warmth and his salty scent. He kisses there.

//Pulling back so he could see Grimmer better, he smiles.// Fantastic. You did great. //He kisses his jaw.// I’m going to remember it for a long time.

//His fingers grace the contours of his upper back and curl along the slope of his neck. He echoes the question back at him.// How did I do? How many stars would you give me?

//He pecks another point on the other man’s jaw and leans against him contently.// Grimmer? If you don’t mind me asking… I mean it’s the second time…

Do you think this changes something between us? I get the impression I should feel that way… but I don’t — and that doesn’t feel strange at all. What are your thoughts?

"How many am I allowed to give?" His voice is very soft, and he smiles soon after, the corners of his eyes creasing with it. "Is this like a survey, where you fill in the box?"

Tenma relaxes against Grimmer, warm and comforting, kissing him gently here and there, along his jaw and cheek. He remembers the last time, how it was different. They hadn’t really held each other afterwards, or kissed— this is much nicer. The feeling of connection is still there, tightly wound about their bodies. 

When questioned, he does not answer, because his first instinct is to simply nod and reaffirm Tenma’s feelings. He tries smiling again, but it wavers, and he brings his arm from around Tenma to take one of his hands.

With tenderness, Grimmer places it to his cheek, and his lips; and finally, to his chest, swallowing hard. “But, I think…I think it’s changed, for me,” he says.

//Reacting to the other man’s admission, he knits his brows in concern and combs his fingers through his silvery hair. Wondering if he seemed callous, he frowns.

No… No, Grimmer… —Of course it’s changed for me too but what I meant was… //He pauses, thinking on his words.// Sharing a drink or sharing a bed —it doesn’t feel strange at all. //Cushioning his cheek against the pillow, he maintains eye contact.// I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t feel afraid or apprehensive even though I’ve… crossed this supposed line by sleeping with you.

//He smiles shyly.// …I want to do this again soon but I still want to go on that picnic we’ve always talked about too. Fishing, wine and cheese — all of that. In that sense it hasn’t changed.

//Watching Grimmer closely, he notices his words do little to relieve his tension.// —Or did you mean something else?

Münster (Tenma!)

wolfgang-grimmer:

doktortenma:

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No, I…I don’t know…

//Squeezing Tenma’s hand in return, softly, he searches his companion’s expression. Grimmer still breathes rather heavily; he draws up Tenma’s hand and presses it to his cheek. It feels pleasantly cool.

//After a moment, he lets slip his hand from Tenma’s and stretches out his arms, long and sinewy, in supplication for embrace— to bring back unto himself Tenma’s warm body, the smell of his sweetly damp hair. 

//He speaks with an embarrassed half smile.//

—Was that all right?

//Falling into the embrace, he drapes an arm over Grimmer’s back and hooks his fingers into the damp fabric there. Nestled against his shoulder, he briefly closes his eyes, and focuses on his heartbeat and his warmth and his salty scent. He kisses there.

//Pulling back so he could see Grimmer better, he smiles.// Fantastic. You did great. //He kisses his jaw.// I’m going to remember it for a long time.

//His fingers grace the contours of his upper back and curl along the slope of his neck. He echoes the question back at him.// How did I do? How many stars would you give me?

//He pecks another point on the other man’s jaw and leans against him contently.// Grimmer? If you don’t mind me asking… I mean it’s the second time…

Do you think this changes something between us? I get the impression I should feel that way… but I don’t — and that doesn’t feel strange at all. What are your thoughts?